Which is only a negative when people talk about how uplifting and inspiring it is to overcome doubt, accepting it as part of one's faith. It's a very pretty concept, and I have heard many a lovely sermon on the topic. But it never spoke to me. I almost - almost - longed for doubt that I could struggle with. That's how beautiful they make it sound.
Today I realized that there is another form of doubt that I do in fact relate to, and am currently finding uplifting and inspiring. It's not doubt about whether or not God exists; it's doubt about where one's relationship with God is going, and how one really feels about God.
It's like a romantic relationship in that way. In the beginning, there's no telling where this path will lead, what emotions will develop, and what joy - or pain - the relationship will bring. But we engage; despite our doubt about how good, or how strong, or how right it is or will be, we accept the relationship for what it is so far, and we decide that, for now, it is worth the investment - in time, energy, vulnerability, and whatever else.
The glaring difference is that in a relationship, if it turns sour, we can just end it. Human relationship are essentially experimental. But with God, there's no bowing out.
Unless there is. What if our relationships with God were truly open-ended. When the relationship is bad, we needn't simply accept it. We might pull back a little bit. (God has promised to always take us back!) Or we might try harder to make it work - out of choice, and love. And when the relationship is good, we can know that we have chosen this, and we have cultivated it, so that we can truly own it and enjoy it.
That is what I was thinking about today.
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